5pm PALM BEACH STORY (1942)
Preston Sturges’ ace, cynical comedy. Hard-up couple decide to improve their fortunes by divorcing so that the wife can snare a millionaire. On a wild train journey to Miami she becomes the mascot of The Ale And Quail Club, who blast out all the dining car windows in an orgy of indoor plate-shooting. Eat your heart out, Oliver Stone.
5.30pm KEVIN TURVEY RANTS
The first of tonight’s short lectures from Rik Mayall’s “Redditch man”.
5.35pm ALAN HANSEN MASTERCLASS
The finest moments of post-match analysis. Tremble and thrill as Alan declares: “That’s sloppy defending”, cheer and chill as he fixes Jimmy Hill with the killer stare. Also a short salute to “Mezzanotte’s best loved commentator: GARY BLOOM: IN SEARCH OF THE REAL ALAN PARTRIDGE. Including the immortal: “You’d have bet your last Italian ice cream on him scoring… but you would have been left holding an empty cone”.
7pm KEVIN TURVEY RANTS
7.05pm PRINCESS IN LUST
Uncut made-for-TV adaptation of the book no-one is reading. Starring Sharon Stone as Lady Di, Hugh Grant as James Hewitt, Martin Clunes as The Prince, with special guest Madonna as The Mistress.
8pm KEVIN TURVEY RANTS
8.05pm CJB AND THE QUANGO
Not the Burt Reynolds movie but a festive cracker. Laugh at your peril as Rory Bremner and his “friends” John Motson, Peter Snow and Keith Floyd demonstrate the Government’s latest anti-democracy measures.
8.30pm MICKEY ROURKE EXPLAINED
Eric Cantona discusses the life, work and philosophy of cinema’s “Mr Boxing”.
9pm KEVIN TURVEY RANTS
9.05pm THE SUBLIME AND THE RIDICULOUS
A Christmas blockbuster of unforgettable music moments from TV’s archives. Highlights include Van Morrison (vocals and drums!) and The Chieftains with a storming St Pat’s Day rendition of ‘Raglan Road’ ; NBC’s Tonight Show host Jay Leno following a bizarre line of questioning into the messy end of sheep farming following PJ Harvey’s mighty solo version of ‘Rid Of Me’ ; a pasty-faced Rolling Stones sitting cross-legged at the feet of Howling Wolf in a vintage US clip; Daisy Chainsaw on The Word; sensitive ‘70s singer-songwriter Judy Sill breaks down and begs OGWT viewers to “please buy my album” so that she may avoid the martyrdom of opening for “snotty rock’n’roll bands” - without any obvious irony, she then performs her fine song ‘Jesus Was A Crossmaker’ ; an extremely drunken singer is flown in painful pantomime harness and dumped onto studio floor in TOTP’s rather literal visual interpretation of ‘I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down’ (artist unknown).
10.15pm FACE TO FACE
Jerry Lewis meets Jerry Lee Lewis.
Producer Lewis Collins.
10.45pm KEVIN TURVEY RANTS ONCE MORE
10.50pm THE LAST TEMPTATION OF JEREMY BEADLE
Our secret camera captures hilarious high-jinks as prankster Mr B is bitten in the nuts by a yappy little dog, drops a baby on its head and then falls down some icy steps into a strategically placed tin-bath full of live eels and baked beans. “Totally spontaneous and not a little bit contrived,” says Michael Ignatieff.
11pm ALL-NIGHT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU CARED MARATHON
The complete Brandon family comedy saga. Starring Robin Bailey as Uncle Mort, patron saint of the Northern Miserable Bastard Cult (“See also The Smiths, The Fall and very early Human League,” says pop-chronicler Paul Gambaccini).
4.45am VERY LATE REVIEW
A bold, new, mime-only production of Springtime For Hitler, set in a Welsh coal-mining village (under the sea) is discussed by a shouty man in a loud suit, Sarah Dunant’s earrings and a bad poet from Lees (Ceefax subtitles in mediaeval German available).