This Offer Is Unrepeatable

From The Elvis Costello Wiki

DON'T SEND ANY MONEY!
For fate has no price
Ignore at your peril this splendid advice
An invaluable link in an infinite chain
An offer like this will just not come again

You wish you had women to charm and bewitch
Power of life and death over the rich
Young girls will be swooning because you're exciting them
Not only fall at your feet but be biting them

Guaranteed, guaranteed to capture your breath
Or possibly scare you to death
Sign it and seal it and send it to friends
Don't mention my name
Don't make any long term plans

In thirty-six hours your fortunes will change
Your best friends won't know you and neither will strangers
Do not keep this letter, it must leave your hand
You have been selected from over five thousand

A twister and dupe will bamboozle or hoodwink you
I can't say more, it would only confuse you
The wine they will offer will go to your head
And you'll start to see double in fishes and bread

Guaranteed, guaranteed for a lifetime or more
Guaranteed, for this world and the next
Guaranteed, guaranteed for the world and its mother
Cherish this life as you won't get another one

UNLESS you should take up this fabulous offer
Don't leave it too late or you'll be bound to suffer
Woebetide anyone so woebegone
You won't know you're born or about to pass on

You'll never get tired
You'll never get bored
By the way, I just hope you're insured
If you're not satisfied
If you want more
We can always provide an improved overture
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Your troubles will vanish
Your tears will dry
Your blessings will just multiply
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Guaranteed, guaranteed to bring fortune and favour
In a riot of colours and flavours
Guaranteed at a price that is almost unbeatable
This offer is unrepeatable

Would I lie to you?
Would I sell you a dud?
Just sign on the line
Could you possibly write it in blood?

This Offer Is Unrepeatable
Words by	Declan MacManus & Paul Cassidy
Music by	Ian Belton, Paul Cassidy, Jacqueline Thomas, Michael Thomas & Declan MacManus
Performed by	Elvis Costello & The Brodsky Quartet
Produced by	Kevin Killen, Elvis Costello & The Brodsky Quartet
Musicians	Elvis Costello - voice Michael Thomas - violin Ian Belton - violin Paul Cassidy - viola Jacqueline Thomas - violoncello
Recorded	September 14-October 1, 1992, Church Studios, London
Released	January 15, 1993
Albums	The Juliet Letters, 1993
Length	3:11